If you just want to win an argument and you don’t care about the other person’s feelings, you can respond to what they’ve said sarcastically (e.g., “Suuuure. THAT makes sense!”, “Yeah, and I’M the Queen of England”). This not only shows strong disagreement, it implies that you thought what they said was stupid (as ridiculous as me being the Queen of England). This may discourage them from continuing the argument – not because they think you’re right, but because they no longer wish to interact with you. (This is typically when someone might mutter “Whatever.” That can indicate that I really don’t care what the answer is – but often, it means that the argument isn’t worth my time, that I don’t care enough about you to try to convince you.)

Be advised, however, that your use of sarcasm in this instance may not make the other person back down, but may instead result in escalation of hostility in the argument: Because you are not taking care with their feelings, they will no longer try to protect yours. This can get very ugly. You may win the argument (or not) but also do lasting damage to the relationship. (See more about angry arguments in the turn-taking module.)

Saying sincerely “You’re an idiot” or “You’re stupid” would obviously be highly insulting. Saying sarcastically “You’re a GENius” is not much better, though people may use the “I was only joking” defense. But before you take offense, you might want to think about why someone is behaving this way. Someone may be using sarcasm to insult you to score points with other listeners, and doesn’t care about your feelings at all. For instance, the alpha male in a group may call out “Sweet ride!” to a total stranger driving an old, beat-up car. He doesn’t care if he hurts the stranger’s feelings — he’s just emphasizing to the other members of his group how “cool” he is (because he has the right to judge everyone else). Likewise, the popular middle-school girl who says to the unpopular girl “Ooh, I love your pants! Were they having a sale at Walmart?” is just trying to score points with her own crowd of friends — she doesn’t care if she hurts the feelings of the target. These cases are generally pretty easy to identify — typically, the speaker and the target of sarcasm do not have a relationship they care about protecting. If someone you do have a close relationship with is using sarcasm to insult you, it is likely that they are feeling somewhat frustrated with you. They may have been trying to communicate this earlier in more subtle ways, but if you failed to pick up on it, they may now be using sarcasm as a way to increase the intensity of their social signaling.

Like many other features of language, sarcasm can be used to reflect existing power differences or to challenge them. Someone in a position of power speaking “down” to someone with less power (boss to employee, teacher to pupil, parent to child) may speak however they like; the subordinate isn’t really in a position to complain about it. So if a more powerful person is sarcastic, but doesn’t accept sarcasm from you, they are subtly reminding you of your relative positions, reinforcing their relative power. On the other hand, a child who is snarky or sassy (talking back and being sarcastic) with a parent or teacher may be seen as challenging their authority. Ditto for an employee using sarcasm with the boss. The person in power may respond with annoyance (putting the subordinate back in his or her place) or may accept the sarcasm (by smiling, laughing, reciprocating, or just ignoring it without signs of annoyance), sending the signal that they are now speaking more as friends and equals. (It is possible to have close friendships despite very real power differences!)

Some phrases are used almost exclusively with a sarcastic interpretation: calling the hearer “Sherlock” or “Einstein” (or “smart stuff” or “wise guy” or “hot shot” or “Maestro”). “Duh!” is one of the most sarcastic words in the language: it agrees with what the previous speaker said (or responds ‘yes’ to a question), but inescapably carries the additional meaning that “that’s so obvious, you’re an idiot for thinking it even needed to be said.” (People may, of course, use this self-deprecatingly, to point out when they themselves have just said something inane.) If people in a close relationship say this routinely to each other, it can be interpreted as friendly teasing – otherwise, it is likely to be felt as hostile and insulting. (Even in a close relationship, feelings can be hurt if it is said with too much emphasis. When the word “whatever” is said as a stand-alone utterance, it is frequently given a sarcastic tone for emphasis. This generally signals that the speaker disagrees, but does not see any point in arguing, or simply does not care.

If the sarcasm is directed towards you, it matters a great deal whether you interpret it as friendly or hostile. If you’re sure it’s intended in a friendly, not hostile way, don’t take offense. If you can’t give an honest smile, at least give a social (fake) smile, showing that although you didn’t appreciate the comment, you recognize the friendly intent behind it.

Even if the speaker seems to be expressing frustration with you, don’t be too quick to take offense. (This would tend to make the situation worse, to escalate hostilities.) Think about why the person may be frustrated with you. Have they been trying to send you some sort of social signal that you just weren’t getting? If you can’t figure it out on your own, ask! “I’m sorry, you seem to be getting frustrated with me, but I really don’t know what I did to bug you,” e.g. This will tend to defuse the situation — the speaker may even apologize for getting snippy with you.